Really High Tables in Pubs

Numerous pubs – and we experience a great many of them in our never-emding quest to knock the hard edges from sobriety – these days appear these days to have a strange penchant for adding to their normal, standard-sized furniture at least one or two unusually tall tables. Were these left standing alone, perhaps close to the exit, their point would be ore clear – some people, for example those stopping in after work or for a quick eye-opener on their way to, do not wish to be seated whilst they enjoy their preferred tipple. However, the unusually tall tables will often be accompanied by a retinue of unusually tall chairs.

Why? In the world of architecture, building high offers several advatages – it becomes possible for a greater number of people to be housed on the same sized plot of land as a shorter building, it allows those same people – should they be residents of an inner-city tower block in Britain where local authorities see no reason to spend any of their annual housing budget on non-necessities such as cleaners and security (save the ubiquitous CCTV) - a quick and convenient way out should a life separated from feral teenagers, next door's drum'n'bass and heroin addicts only by inch-thick plasterboard walls become too much to endure. This is not true when it comes to furniture, for tables and stools can be three feet high, five feet high or even sixty feet high yet will seat the same number of people – unless, that is, additional storeys are installed (and going by the way the big pub chains cram the punters in on a Friday night, expect to see double-decker tables in a pub near you soon. And if you don't drink in the big pub chains, you'll see them soon anyway because your beloved, friendly and centuries-old local can't compete with the chain pub's £1.99 for a burger and beer offer and is shutting down next week).

All that is achieved is that patrons of average or less-than-average height experience difficulty and are made to feel small (some of these tables make me feel Lilliputian, and I'm six foot one). To be seated, it is necessary to first reach up in order to place one's pint atop the high plateau and then, having found handholds, clamber upwards using the spindles like the rungs of ladder. Though essential when one attempts to sit, the spindles present an unexpected hazard for the intoxicated – since it is impossible to rest one's feet on the floor when sitting five feet in the air and due to the vertiginous height, the sitter will subconsciously entwine one's feet about the spindles and oil rig-like legs. Forgetting to disengage them prior to making one's way to the bar for a ninth pint tends to result in severe bruising and embarrassment for the victim and extensive merriment among other drinkers.

ISO standardisation can be infuriating for those charged with implementing it in the workplace, but those of us who enjoy a drink could really do with a little standardisation in the pub.